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Britain’s Got Talent – Recap Week 3 Auditions
For those of you that felt last week’s show left a doggy shaped gap in the talent pool, then stay tuned. This episode does not disappoint on the talented canine front.
Sadly, to start off with, the human contingent of acts is so far down the talent barometer they are practically rubbing shoulders with the cast of TOWIE and Peter Andre.
MUSICAL RUTH (MATTHEW HUNT) is a 45 year old comedy musician from Poulton-le-Fylde who performs with his mobile piano. Oh and to add to the “fun factor” Ruth is inexplicably dressed as a Nun. The merest glimpse of cross dressing nun on a wheely piano screeching an Elton John song is enough for Simon’s fist to bash down on his buzzer roughly 2 nano seconds in.
David however is far more impressed and gleefully climbs on stage for a ride on the piano. Simon can be seen weeping into his hands at the thought of what he is inflicting on prime time Saturday night telly. Like Ruth’s wheely piano – let’s swiftly move on.
Enter LISA SAMPSON a 35 year self-taught old hula hoop instructor and mum from West Sussex. Forgive us for groaning at the thought of Hula Hooping not being a worthy watch (apart from that one embarrassing drunken night when your routine to Single Ladies with the kids hula hoop got 103 likes on Facebook). But Lisa is here to prove the naysayers wrong as she twirls, hulas and hoops an impressive set. She ends by gyrating about 80 hoops and resembles a giant slinky toy. Who can’t love that?
The judges are so happy to see an act that actually has a bit of talent grace the stage that Lisa gets jettisoned into the next round faster than Bruce Jenner filling his trolley in Top Shop.
Next up is Paul MANNERS a 30 year old singer/songwriter/producer/quiz host/keyboard player from London. When Paul brags the highlight of his career to date is singing at Peter Andre’s brothers wedding, you can see the expectation levels of the judging panel slide from low to subterranean. Paul is singing an original song, ‘Hold You in My Arms’ which particularly impresses David who grabs Simon for a smooch.
Whilst being “Held in David’s Arms” Simon silently seethes and glowers darkly at the chirpy Paul who carries on belting out his tune, ironically, completely out of tune.
As an added sprinkle of LOL-ability, Paul even forgets the words TO HIS OWN SONG.
Despite being only one shade away from completely bloody terrible, Paul seems to have won over MOST of the judging panel and gets three yeses. Simon of course says NO, and wants to know what kind of idiot would sign Mr Manners to their record label? Step forward David Walliams, who is now seemingly the founder of “DWL Records” with Paul Manners as his first signing. Hehehe.
PAUL NETTERFIELD a 59 year old singer from Southport attempts to sing ‘Love Is in the Air’ which is marginally only a tad easier on the ears than fingernails being dragged slowly down a blackboard. Simon helpfully suggests DWL Records might have found another new signing. NEXT!
The never ending conveyor belt of dubious singers continues with ERIC KOVAC, a 29 year old shop assistant, hailing from Sheffield via Slovakia. He sings his *own version* (aka complete and utter ruination of the original) of ‘My Heart Will Go On’ by Celine Dion. David uses it as an excuse to man handle Simon into the “Kate & Leo” but three no’s sink Eric’s hopes quicker than the iceberg did to the Titanic. David’s lone YES sails away like a half filled lifeboat on the icy ocean.
Come forth ISAAC WADDINGTON a15 year old schoolboy from Portsmouth. Isaac at last gives the producers a chance to queue up the end of segment feel good tune. Isaac’s rendition of Billy Joel’s ‘She’s Always a Woman To Me’ which he both sings and plays on the piano goes down like a bowl of hot chicken soup on a winters day with the judging panel.
Isaac impresses with his bluesy voice and the sort of youthful good looks that will have legions of tweenagers bulk buying blue tack to cover their Harry Styles posters with Isaac ones.
Simon isn’t letting DWL records get his sticky mitts on this Isaac shaped singing goldmine and sends the lad through with a BIG FAT YES.
IMD- a 25 piece dance crew from East London made up of 9-18 years olds impress the judges with their slick routine of flips and twists. They make a welcome change from the usual scourge of the Dance Troupe genre, namely sequin festooned school children gyrating inappropriately to “Blurred Lines”. Four yeses see IMD catapult into the next round.
Next up is BILL PICTON-JENKINS- a 49 year old hotel laundry cleaner from Suffolk. The Victor Meldrew-esq Bill is attempting to break the record for amount of jokes told in one minute. If mumbling incoherently for a minute with the audience not understanding one single word was a World Record then Bill would have walked it...!
Tragically, Ant and Dec in their role as time keepers only clock up 11 “jokes” leaving Bill even further away from the record than a politician is from the truth.
Covered in far too tight gold Lycra, VINCE VENUS is a 45 year old radio and television presenter from Brighton. He is singing ‘I Want to Break Free’ by Queen. Judging by the snug fit of his costume, it appears something definitely wants to break free.
Once again, barely one chime into the song, Simon’s bashing his buzzer in fury. It’s four no’s and Vince slouches off stage seconds later, trailing disappointment and a golden cape.
“But I’ve been here 14 hours” Vince whines to Ant and Dec after his brief stint in pursuit of fame swiftly ends. Well that’s showbiz honey - *jazz hands*
Move over Paul Mckenna, HYPNO DOG is here to steal your thunder! Krystyna and her hypno-dog, a German Spitz called Princess, perform their hypnosis double-act on audience members and Ant & Dec. Inexplicably, after a few seconds under the penetrating gaze of Princess, the hapless volunteers keel over and end up snoring in a tangled heap on the stage. It’s like we are witnessing 4am in an average A&E department.
Upon awakening, either Krystyna or her spooky little dog puts some kind of hex on Ant and Dec so they can no longer recall the existence of the number seven. This could prove troublesome when ordering a Chinese later.
Simon is suitably impressed with the mystic powers of Princess and wants to have a go himself. Kneeling before the dog, Simon enters a stare off with the hypnotic pooch. Maybe it will all go horribly backwards and Princess will suddenly have a penchant for buzz cut hair and super shiny white gnashers? Sadly, Simon seems unaffected by her mystical powers, and declares “It’s just a dog with a very long tongue” *Insert your own Sinitta joke*
However, what is this? When Simon returns to his seat, there seems to be an inexplicable aura of NICENESS in the air.
Next to hit the stage is ANDY DAVIS - 43 year old singer, impressionist and full time dad from Wales who performs ‘Tragedy’ by the Bee Gees. When even David is looking bored by a “comedy singer” you know things are bad. The only other tragedy in the room is that meddlesome dog has seemingly bewitched Simon a bundle of kitten-fluffy niceness. He gives Andy a YES despite the awfulness.
FENG XUE – 54 years old originally from China, and now lives in Manchester performs on mini skate boards to Westlife’s You Raise Me Up. Mr Walliams, Usual champion of the downright bleeding awful, cites Feng as “boring” but Simon, grinning soppily, seems to think he was a mini skateboarding Beyonce.
Surely there is an act so toe curlingly terrible it can break the spell that has suppressed the Cowell Mean-Gene?
Enter stage left; MISTER SISTER- Shane is a 36 year old full time drag artist from Barnsley whose perplexingly dire performance does the trick nicely. Welcome back the Simon we know and love who tells Shane to bog off back to obscurity. Yay!
AFFINITY are an all-female a-capella singing group aged 19-77 from Stockport who murder a Madonna medley. The gaggle, dressed in what looks like a job lot of curtain material don’t impress the audience or judges – its 4 no’s.
Oh no it’s another choir! REVELATION AVENUE are a12 piece gospel choir from East London who perform Katy Perry’s Roar. They are a world away from the horror of Affinity and give an impressive and rousing rendition of the song.
Amanda has the tell tale sign of a mascara tear trail which can mean one of two things – one her thong has given her a wedgie – or two, she is so emotionally overcome she will do something CRAZY like press her GOLDEN BUZZER!
Her thong must have remained firmly in the right place as yes, Revelation Avenue get Mandy’s Buzz of Goldeness! Well done and richly deserved!
That’s it for week three of the auditions – tune in next time where we live in hope an agility giraffe will make its debut on the BGT stage.
Read previous weeks recaps HERE