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Britain’s Got Talent – Recap Week 2 Auditions
Last week Simon found his Holy Grail of auditionees in the form of a “talking dog”. He was most enamoured by Wendy the chatty French pooch who seemed considerably more eloquent than most human TV personalities. Don’t be at all surprised if Amanda Holden turns up with Ant & Dec in the jungle munching on Kangaroo testicles whilst Wendy sits with Simon on BGT next year.
This week there are no talking dogs (Amanda is safe for now) however there is a veritable cornucopia of variety on offer. And like a bag of Revels, there are several hideous ones amongst all the deliciousness.
The judges arrive a little bit soggy despite the best efforts of a brolly wielding regiment of minions. More minions are despatched to waft a warm hairdryer over the Judges rain ruined locks and we are ready to rock and roll!
First up is 9 year old Jesse Jane McParland from Northern Ireland. She’s small and cute in the way 9 year old girls generally are and we are hideously teased with the notion that she will be inflicting the horror that is “Irish Dancing” on us. But before the nation flees the room in an attempt to avoid that abomination, little Jesse morphs into the world’s tiniest power ranger. MUCH more entertaining!
Wielding a sword and with more intense shrieking than you’d find on a Mariah Carey album, Jesse catapults herself round the stage impressing the judges and audience alike.
Simon jokes he wants to hire Jesse as his new bodyguard – probably thinking she could do a pretty good effort at keeping Sinitta at bay. Its four rave reviews for the talented mini ninja who does a very easy somersault of YES into the next round.
Rain, tartan and bagpipes now helpfully set the scene that we are in Scotland for the next round of auditions. Ant sportingly wears a tartan shirt in case we forget where we are (but luckily Dec refrains from bagpipe playing, kilts, sporrans and munching on Haggis).
ACQUA JANE AND DELORES proudly announce they are the folk group the sixties missed. Simon visibly cringes in horror but undeterred, Jane (63) and Dolores (69) from Scotland perform their original song ‘You Defrost My Heart at a Million Degrees’. Now, Imagine the olden days when your Nan had a “proper” record player and sometimes got a bit muddled, playing a single on the “album” setting. Everything went all slooooow and dirgey. This is an accurate description of the artistic style of this bewildering duo.
Naturally David, the Patron Saint of Annoying Simon, thinks they are utterly brilliant and gives them a yes. It’s not enough however as Jane and Delores fail to defrost the arctic wasteland that is Mr Cowell’s heart and its bye bye bye.
Bonus points to Acqua Jane who fires back “Professional jealousy” to Alesha when she delivers a very firm NO. Give up the singing ladies and do stand-up instead!
Things don’t improve, as that traditional BGT staple “The montage of cringe” is upon us.
Behold, THE ABSURDIST PIPE BAND – Rob, Kieran and Stephen are a group of bagpipe players, inexplicably dressed as clowns. It is like we have stepped into a low budget horror movie where hapless teens could be bagpiped to death by clown faced madmen. The trio are rubbish clowns and rubbish bagpipers – next!
HAYLEY PYKE is a 42 year old receptionist from Scotland. Hayley performs her rendition of ‘The Show Must Go On’ using a theatrical mask as a prop. It’s a shame she didn’t use it as a prop to silence her gob and spare us from an ear bleed.
Next we have ARLENE AND DOUG – Arlene 52 and Doug 67 are a musical duo from Aberdeen. Doug plays the accordion whilst Arlene dances and sings for the judges. On a positive note, Arlene’s yellow tartan frock is very jolly. On a negative note, someone from the Trades Descriptions Department needs to have a serious word about their billing as a “musical duo”.
The judges look so desperate to find a tiny hint of talent lurking in bonny Scotland that even Nicola Sturgeon delivering her SNP manifesto in a kilt and novelty hat would probably make the next round.
The Law of Talent Show Editing dictates we are long overdue “someone good” and here are a promising set of cute lads calling themselves BOYBAND. Someone cue up the feel good Take That tune – it could be needed soon!
Corey 18, Mike 18, Dylan 18, Jaih 17 and Mikey 19 are students from London. Simon has that look of “One Direction Replacements ahoy” in his eyes and enquires what song Boyband will be singing.
“We don’t sing” say the ensemble.
WHAT IS THIS WITCHCRAFT the nation shrieks at their telly boxes – a boyband that doesn’t sing! Simon doesn’t look too perturbed, most likely thinking “Oh well if they can mime a bit better than Cheryl, I can still make a few bob”.
But NO – the confusingly named “Boyband” are actually DANCERS – and GOOD dancers at that!
Their incredible routine to Uptown Funk impresses the audience and judges alike who rise to their feet, giving the boys of Boyband a standing ovation. A sight rarer than a Kardashian with her clothes on during this batch of auditions.
And what is this – a Geordie whirlwind hurtles from the sidelines as Ant and Dec spew forth and rugby tackle the GOLDEN BUZZER! A shiny ticker tape and glitter explosion covers the stage. Subsequently all five members of the dance group look like they just are just on their way out to “Donna Summer Night” at G.A.Y.
Boyband are a hugely worthy act to receive the coveted Buzz of Goldeness and the canny Ant and Dec could have easily just backed the winners of the whole thing. Fantastic stuff!
After all that excitement, it’s time for ADAM LAZARUS a 30 year old comedy entertainer from Essex. Summary - There isn’t much comedy or entertainment.
You can never have enough cow bells on primetime TV thought the BGT producers – so come forth JOSEPH FRIEDMANN a 76 year old restauranteur from Stanmore. Joseph attempts to impress the judges as he performs with heady array of aforementioned cowbells. It all goes slightly wrong and there are bells ringing asunder with anything resembling a tune remaining deftly hidden. It’s one of those acts that are so bad it verges on comedy genius. The lederhosen clad Joseph surprisingly gets four yeses and jangles his way to the next round– Ding Dong!
PETER CUMINE – 52 year old chef from Winchester performs a comedy routine for the judges. Alesha sagely points out she hopes he is a good chef which pretty much sums up that audition. Masterchef auditions that way Peter....
The very young looking BECKY O’BRIEN is next. You could be forgiven for thinking Becky will be filling her gap year with milking yaks in Chile after auditioning for BGT but is in fact 34 year old English teacher and mum of five from London. Blimey, if 5 kids keep you looking that young, no wonder Angelina and Madge keep picking up a new one each time they go on holiday.
Becky amazes the judges with her performance of ‘Somewhere over the Rainbow’ with Simon labelling her voice as ‘beautiful and authentic’. It’s an easy ride to “Somewhere over the next round” for Becks with four very “beautiful and authentic” Yeses. Well done Becky!
It’s written in BGT Law that Simon Cowell DOESNT LIKE MAGICIANS. He changed his tune briefly last year when Darcy Oake ticked boxes marked TALENTED and FIT. But this year Simon is back to his default setting of loathing anyone who ventures near his stage with a wand or pointy wizards hat.
However Simon could never have been prepared for JEFFREY DRAYTON 73 year old handyman from Norfolk.
Instead of a wand or pointy hat Jeffrey’s magical ensemble includes roller skates and his puppet Chantel. Chantel looks a little bit like Katie Hopkins in a glitter wig after a hard night on the town.
Jeff describes himself as a ‘magical entertainer’ which roughly translates into “Rubbish ventriloquist who can’t skate or do much in the way of tricks”. His act doesn’t quite go to plan – if he ever had a plan – but ends up being unintentionally amusing.
The sight of a pensioner in skates heartily shoving a puppet down the barrel of a cannon whilst getting Ant and Dec to chuck a pack of cards at him raises more laughs in 2 minutes than an entire season of most BBC sitcoms.
Simon can’t QUITE bring himself to admit to enjoying it enough to give him a yes, but fear not as Flag Carrier for the Hapless; David Walliams leads the three yeses required for Jeffrey to make the next round!
On the magic front, things can’t get much worse so here is JAMIE RAVEN a 31 year old full-time magician from Ascot to see if he can change Simon’s mind. To be fair, if Jamie made David disappear after he put through the previous act, Simon would most likely send him straight to the live shows.
Jamie is doing “Close up Magic” which isn’t something we have seen on telly since Paul Daniels did a card trick on Debbie McGee’s bum back in 1982.
His first foray into the magical is to turn perfectly usable £50 notes into fake BGT money. Simon fingers the fakery with alarm – possibly imagining the carnage that Jamie could perpetuate if he found his way into the Cowell Bank Vaults.
However, Jamie’s next trick changes everything! It’s a new take on the old “pick a card” trick – with a twist. Using only the judging panel and a simple pack of cards Jamie ensures the entire United Kingdom reverberates with the words “HOW DID HE DO THAT?”
Even Simon is impressed and ponders wistfully about some people being able to do tricks and some who can do REAL MAGIC. Well Simon, getting Robson and Jerome to stay at number one for about 2 years is definitely REAL MAGIC is it not petal?
Of course Jamie gets through with a full house of yeses. Can he top that trick in the live shows? Cannot wait to find out!
Last of the night is HENRY GALLAGHER a school boy from Wigan. Henry appears to be Olly Murs rewound to age 12. Pork pie hat – check, Cheeky demeanour – check, Cute as a basket of kittens – check.
Henry performs an original song called ‘Lightning’ which he wrote about a girl from school who doesn’t notice him. Oh that will harness the “NAN” vote for sure. This lad is a shoe-in for the live shows surely?
The whole panel are impressed with Henry’s song writing and performance skills. Could Simon have found someone to fill the Olly sized hole left by Mr Murs who is taking a music break to front The X Factor? Things are looking good for Henry as he is, of course, through with four of those best types of yeses – the BIG FAT KIND.
And that is it for audition show number two! We are two Golden Buzzers down with Simon putting through singer Calum Scott last week and Ant & Dec choosing the spectacular dance quintet, Boyband this week. David is obviously waiting for a nun who plays tiddlywinks whilst riding a Shetland pony (or something equally as quirky). Will we see David, Amanda or Alesha be impressed enough to get pressing next week? Tune in to find out!